Overheard While Boarding

Approaching Charlotte, 2009

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain….”

An elderly lady a few rows in front of me, on her way to Dallas: “Are you going to lose me? I’m not going to Charlotte. I’m going to Dallas to see my son.” Flight attendant: “Don’t worry, we won’t lose you. We just lose luggage.”

A blonde fashion model, still upset that there was no W Hotel in Norfolk: “Ugh! This plane is so dirty. And no first class! Who booked this!”

Flight attendant: “Please fasten your seat belt in the buckle…”

US Navy contractor sitting across the row: “We make computers for the military. Our computers don’t breathe. They’re rugged-ized. You can use them underwater….”

“…Your seat can be used as a floatation device. To inflate, pull the….”

Person behind me, talking to a medical resident who’s headed to Pittsburgh for a job interview: "Hey, I have a friend who’s a nurse at Pittsburgh General! Maybe you know her?”

“…There are two exit doors located…”

Man in front of me: “I headed to Providence and then to Wood’s Hole. F@!%ing Coast Guard! I’m going to spend the winter in a sleazebag motel in f@!%ing Woods Hole, Massachusetts!”

“…the Navy SEALS have their own computers. They take all the innards out and replace them with non-spec connections. That way, if they fall into enemy hands…”

“…Are you sure you’re not going to lose me?”

Across the aisle: “I can’t imagine living in Chicago. We used to go there to my sister’s for Thanksgiving. One year she left the turkey on the back porch and it froze so hard the kids got it and kicked it around the yard.”

“…It’s our pleasure to have you aboard today. If we can do anything to make your trip…”

Two ladies I can’t see: “I met him at a wedding in Montana. The family went there for the wedding and liked it so much they bought a ranch. He used to be a lawyer. Now he’s a—what do you call it?—oh, yeah. He’s a beekeeper.”

“I don’t work to make money. If I can break even I’m happy.”

“We’re based in Tulsa.”

“There’s a huge dead zone in the Gulf of Mexico right where the Mississippi flows into it. The shrimpers used to be able to go right off shore there and fill their boats. Now they have to go out about 70 miles.”

“…The water temperature’s 32 degrees. But that’s not cold. If you want really cold…”

“…The other big dead zone is in the Chesapeake Bay…”

“Sit tight, honey. Daddy’s going to be there to meet us in Indianapolis.”

“SIR, YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT THING ON THIS PLANE. IT’S ALIVE!”